Future

     I realize I'm young, and that children are a lot of work. But, I'm thinking about it more and more. I'm going to have children when I'm older. That thought, just.. wow. Today I worked in the nursery at church, I basically fell in love with every baby. There was this one little boy that was just a bundle of cute, it's amazing how much their little minds absorb information. He was up in my arms, so light and fragile. He played with the ring on my necklace, and I asked him "Does your finger fit?" He just looked at me for a second, then a huge smile appeared and he said sweetly "Yes". I thought that was so cute! It literally made my day.

Contributing Factors

I was thinking about why I fell into deep depression, like what were some of the things that triggered it, and I realized that the deaths of 2 relatives really impacted me more then I thought originally.
See, I was depressed to begin with, being in the house for days, in one room for eight to nine hours, only human interaction would be with my sister or mother. It really has it's tole after an extended period. I mean, can you imagine not leaving your house for days at a time? I left about twice a week at most. I felt so abandoned and alone, like no one wanted to be around me, or talk to me. Like it was too much effort to talk to me.
I remember going to newfoundland for a vacation, it was nice but I was still alone. I met new family and old, everyone was so old. Sprained a tailbone and spent my two weeks watching the weather channel because there was honestly nothing else to do. We visited my nan and pop in the old folks home, my pop was a pastor way back in the day, but he didn't even remember us.. But he remembered scripture like he was reading it straight from the bible. I thought that was pretty neat. After we went to my nan's room. She had to be separated from him because he didn't know who she was. She was so tiny on that bed.. Hair pearly white, white as snow, thinning out. Blue eyes that stared right back at you, and a sweet old face that looked like she constantly smiled. That was the last time I saw her, that summer she died.
After my nan died, I really thought about death deeply, I think that's when I really spiraled downward. At her funeral my uncle that I had met on vacation died of a heart attack. He was young. Too young, too nice. I had to find out through my cousin! I couldn't understand that.
I guess those are some factors that contributed to my depression, not necessarily the only factors, but significant enough.

So Crazy!

After talking on the phone with my boyfriend last night, it really hit me, like really truly hit me that I'm alive today. Like, I don't think people really realize it or put a lot of thought into it, but in a couple months it'll have been a year already since I was going to kill myself. A whole year! I can't believe it. Like, it's so amazing. It brings tears of joy to my eyes now, every time I think about it. The first real year of my life.  Unplanned and unknown about what would happen in it. Just going with it. It's so great.
Like, during that time of extreme depression I took these pictures, and now they might possibly help a friend in a book she's writing! I didn't even know her when I took those pictures. And also, just meeting her has changed me. She's such an inspiration, she's so strong. I'm so glad I'm alive today, I never would have even met her if God didn't change my life right at that time.
I could go on forever about Ryan, my boyfriend. I honestly... It's so amazing. He's so amazing. I love him so much. And to know that I know him, I'm in a relationship with him.. I'm here to have that.. It's so indescribable. I wonder where they would be.. I don't know. It's self-centered of me to think like this, but I wonder where they would be in life if I had never met them, not that I made all that of an impact, but not meeting me.. I don't know, I wonder a lot of things.
Hearing "I'm proud of you" was a term that was used way to much in my house at the wrong time. Hearing that from my dad would sting at times. I didn't want it, I didn't think I deserved it, he just said it all the time, trying to make a connection with me. It was just over-said. Hearing it from him still now doesn't have any affect on me, but hearing it from others... I don't know. It feels so different. Like wow, that person is proud of me? Me?
I don't even remember the last time I cut! Isn't that... it's so great. So so great. It's the feeling of being free. I can't explain it.

I can't wait to find out what will happen in my future. I hope it's amazing.

I just want to say, Thank you God. For everything. I'll praise him, not only because of how he changed my life, but just because he is God. I don't need a hardship or emotional time to praise you. You're just,  simply amazing.