Going Nowhere

I've been writing in a private journal a lot more lately. I'm pretty sure what I feel and my words would offend someone out there, so I just keep it to myself in a journal.
Something is different, I can't really name it. I think I'm becoming depressed again. Crying for absolutely no reason, sleeping way more then I should. I mean, on Friday I slept in school, at a friends house, at youth, came home early and went to bed. The next day I slept until around 3 or 4 in the evening. Then Spent the day in and out of sleep on the couch. That night I went to a sleepover, then Sunday morning I stayed home from church and slept. Every day I've been taking 3 hour naps. I eat when I'm awake, and when I eat it's a lot. But I'm so weak and tired all the time. No motivation anymore. I went to a boot camp yesterday and pushed myself too hard, which would just be a normal workout. But the rest of the day I felt so nauseated.
That's just some of the physical challenges I've been having. My mind drifts off a lot. I can't concentrate in school, I just want to sleep. I can't talk normally to anyone. I find it takes a lot of effort in replying to anyone.
I found myself wishing today that I wouldn't wake up from the nap I was having.
Things are just going slow for me right now.
I have this gnawing feeling of emptiness and loneliness. Even though I'm with friends, talking and stuff, I still feel really alone. Like I can't talk to anyone. Something's missing.
I don't even know where this post is going anymore, I don't think I did in the beginning.

A Piece of Paper in My Journal

I found this the other day while going through my old journal. I'm actually kind of glad I could express these feeling on paper. Because now I can look back at it, and know that I'm a new person. I'm different now. Of course I still do have those extremely dark days, but life, it's better. Way better.

Had a fun Friday night
singing and laughing with friends
but no one knew but me
that soon it will come to an end
On my way home
I lost it
My control
my emotion
happiness
that feeling of warmth
when he starts yelling
things come into your head
things of deep dread
now, you hold it in your hands
dis pare, fear, loneliness, sadness and of course
death
those things tell you to take
your last breath
you don't have anything left.
The, end.

I hear it from deep inside.

You weakling! You're selfish. Moronic. You're good for nothing. It's only a matter of time before you break. Why try? You're so dependent on everyone around you. If no one was around you'd be nothing. You are nothing. You're just a little girl who can't do anything on her own. Don't try. You break so easily! You bring so much frustration and anger to the ones around you. You say that's not true?! Look around you! You are selfish.


Please, this is not a cry for attention. Whoever reads this, please don't feel the need to tell me different. I'm just trying to get this out of my mind.

This constant feeling of being alone, is eating me alive. Which is selfish of me to say, I shouldn't need others around me so much. They probably think I'm a walking time bomb. The slightest push and I go over the edge. I'm sorry.
Also, the feeling of emptiness. I can't tell you why I am feeling it. It's just, there. 

Rough man.

Today was just a rough day for me, nothing really happened to me. But it's based solely on my attitude. I find  I'm distancing myself from everyone around me. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to open my mouth, I don't want to look anyone is the eye. I don't want to lift my head from the ground. When I walked home in the rain I did some thinking. Last night my body felt numb. Like it wasn't mine after a while. If I get this upset, these  weird feelings in my body, how the heck am I going to be able to survive a break up if it happens? God could have other plans. Am I so emotionally weak? Am I that Dependant on others? Right now in this perspective it's looking that way. About a month ago I prayed and prayed and prayed for 3 weeks to give me strength if that were to happen. I thought I was truly ready for it to happen, at any time. But I guess I'll just have to keep praying and pray harder. I was on my bed thinking for 2 hours, and I thought, well, I have a feeling in the near future there's going to be a true test for me in relation to if I'm ready to let it go. I'm dreading the time that day comes. Now, I'm not saying I'm expecting to break up, because that's certainly not it not at all! I really do love him! But will I be able to handle it if it happens?
Right now I have no motivation . Like before, why try? I don't care anymore. That's what goes through my head a lot lately. I tried to write a song about how I felt, but that failed.
On another note, my body is really weak, like the weakest I've felt in a really long time. I'm eating and sleeping right, I don't get what's wrong with me.
I need to pray for strength, physical and emotional. And the ability to live without being so dependent of others.
every night I pray for everyone I can think of that needs prayer, sometimes I'll take up to 25 minutes praying.
I'm trying.