Today was just a rough day for me, nothing really happened to me. But it's based solely on my attitude. I find I'm distancing myself from everyone around me. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to open my mouth, I don't want to look anyone is the eye. I don't want to lift my head from the ground. When I walked home in the rain I did some thinking. Last night my body felt numb. Like it wasn't mine after a while. If I get this upset, these weird feelings in my body, how the heck am I going to be able to survive a break up if it happens? God could have other plans. Am I so emotionally weak? Am I that Dependant on others? Right now in this perspective it's looking that way. About a month ago I prayed and prayed and prayed for 3 weeks to give me strength if that were to happen. I thought I was truly ready for it to happen, at any time. But I guess I'll just have to keep praying and pray harder. I was on my bed thinking for 2 hours, and I thought, well, I have a feeling in the near future there's going to be a true test for me in relation to if I'm ready to let it go. I'm dreading the time that day comes. Now, I'm not saying I'm expecting to break up, because that's certainly not it not at all! I really do love him! But will I be able to handle it if it happens?
Right now I have no motivation . Like before, why try? I don't care anymore. That's what goes through my head a lot lately. I tried to write a song about how I felt, but that failed.
On another note, my body is really weak, like the weakest I've felt in a really long time. I'm eating and sleeping right, I don't get what's wrong with me.
I need to pray for strength, physical and emotional. And the ability to live without being so dependent of others.
every night I pray for everyone I can think of that needs prayer, sometimes I'll take up to 25 minutes praying.
I'm trying.
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