I found this the other day while going through my old journal. I'm actually kind of glad I could express these feeling on paper. Because now I can look back at it, and know that I'm a new person. I'm different now. Of course I still do have those extremely dark days, but life, it's better. Way better.
Had a fun Friday night
singing and laughing with friends
but no one knew but me
that soon it will come to an end
On my way home
I lost it
My control
my emotion
happiness
that feeling of warmth
when he starts yelling
things come into your head
things of deep dread
now, you hold it in your hands
dis pare, fear, loneliness, sadness and of course
death
those things tell you to take
your last breath
you don't have anything left.
The, end.
Monday, May 23, 2011
I hear it from deep inside.
You weakling! You're selfish. Moronic. You're good for nothing. It's only a matter of time before you break. Why try? You're so dependent on everyone around you. If no one was around you'd be nothing. You are nothing. You're just a little girl who can't do anything on her own. Don't try. You break so easily! You bring so much frustration and anger to the ones around you. You say that's not true?! Look around you! You are selfish.
Please, this is not a cry for attention. Whoever reads this, please don't feel the need to tell me different. I'm just trying to get this out of my mind.
This constant feeling of being alone, is eating me alive. Which is selfish of me to say, I shouldn't need others around me so much. They probably think I'm a walking time bomb. The slightest push and I go over the edge. I'm sorry.
Also, the feeling of emptiness. I can't tell you why I am feeling it. It's just, there.
Please, this is not a cry for attention. Whoever reads this, please don't feel the need to tell me different. I'm just trying to get this out of my mind.
This constant feeling of being alone, is eating me alive. Which is selfish of me to say, I shouldn't need others around me so much. They probably think I'm a walking time bomb. The slightest push and I go over the edge. I'm sorry.
Also, the feeling of emptiness. I can't tell you why I am feeling it. It's just, there.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Rough man.
Today was just a rough day for me, nothing really happened to me. But it's based solely on my attitude. I find I'm distancing myself from everyone around me. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to open my mouth, I don't want to look anyone is the eye. I don't want to lift my head from the ground. When I walked home in the rain I did some thinking. Last night my body felt numb. Like it wasn't mine after a while. If I get this upset, these weird feelings in my body, how the heck am I going to be able to survive a break up if it happens? God could have other plans. Am I so emotionally weak? Am I that Dependant on others? Right now in this perspective it's looking that way. About a month ago I prayed and prayed and prayed for 3 weeks to give me strength if that were to happen. I thought I was truly ready for it to happen, at any time. But I guess I'll just have to keep praying and pray harder. I was on my bed thinking for 2 hours, and I thought, well, I have a feeling in the near future there's going to be a true test for me in relation to if I'm ready to let it go. I'm dreading the time that day comes. Now, I'm not saying I'm expecting to break up, because that's certainly not it not at all! I really do love him! But will I be able to handle it if it happens?
Right now I have no motivation . Like before, why try? I don't care anymore. That's what goes through my head a lot lately. I tried to write a song about how I felt, but that failed.
On another note, my body is really weak, like the weakest I've felt in a really long time. I'm eating and sleeping right, I don't get what's wrong with me.
I need to pray for strength, physical and emotional. And the ability to live without being so dependent of others.
every night I pray for everyone I can think of that needs prayer, sometimes I'll take up to 25 minutes praying.
I'm trying.
Right now I have no motivation . Like before, why try? I don't care anymore. That's what goes through my head a lot lately. I tried to write a song about how I felt, but that failed.
On another note, my body is really weak, like the weakest I've felt in a really long time. I'm eating and sleeping right, I don't get what's wrong with me.
I need to pray for strength, physical and emotional. And the ability to live without being so dependent of others.
every night I pray for everyone I can think of that needs prayer, sometimes I'll take up to 25 minutes praying.
I'm trying.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Pictures
My heart breaks every time I see a picture of that. But I feel like it's not my place to feel like that, like it's not my right. I wonder if it's the same on the other side? If so, I'm really sorry. I know, it's over, it's in the past. But why do I get that heart squeezing feeling? I feel so wrong saying that. What's wrong with me?
I'm so hypocritical for saying that because I also have pictures that might break someone else's heart.
Why am I so weary of how I act you ask? Why do I care about what others think? Because when I don't, when I put my guard down, then they seem to point out that the way I'm acting is wrong in some way, or that I'm doing something wrong. It's not bad to be conscious of the way you act and treat others, but I know there's a point where you just have to not care, let it go. I can't seem to do that.
I (usually) always think before I say something in reply, so that I don't offend, or bring down. But sometimes you just gotta let it out to someone. I can honestly say I only have 1 person I can talk to about things on my heart, because even though they know what's going on, they don't take the matters into their own hands. I can say honestly that that helps tremendously. Sometimes I just want to talk, let it out, Ask for advice. I keep a lot of things to myself. I'm tired of it.
Sometimes, I just need to stop thinking before I speak. But usually that never works out, I piss people off, or something..
After reading this over, a thought occurred. I remember before when I planned on suicide for years, I wanted to be remembered as "the girl who cared" or someone everyone loved. The one who put her heart into everyone. Of course, I had those dark days of wanting everyone to forget me so I could just die, so no one would notice. I wanted that sometimes. Going through depression was and is never easy. You can't just sum up how you felt during a depression in a paragraph or sentence because there's so much that goes on in your head. as this blog post goes all over the place, my question now is, how can that be a "disorder"? Sure, there are "chemical imbalances" and your hormones are all out of whack, but it's not like it's a disease in your brain. I hate that. People just label it as a "Disorder". It's how you feel! Physically and emotionally.
I'm so hypocritical for saying that because I also have pictures that might break someone else's heart.
Why am I so weary of how I act you ask? Why do I care about what others think? Because when I don't, when I put my guard down, then they seem to point out that the way I'm acting is wrong in some way, or that I'm doing something wrong. It's not bad to be conscious of the way you act and treat others, but I know there's a point where you just have to not care, let it go. I can't seem to do that.
I (usually) always think before I say something in reply, so that I don't offend, or bring down. But sometimes you just gotta let it out to someone. I can honestly say I only have 1 person I can talk to about things on my heart, because even though they know what's going on, they don't take the matters into their own hands. I can say honestly that that helps tremendously. Sometimes I just want to talk, let it out, Ask for advice. I keep a lot of things to myself. I'm tired of it.
Sometimes, I just need to stop thinking before I speak. But usually that never works out, I piss people off, or something..
After reading this over, a thought occurred. I remember before when I planned on suicide for years, I wanted to be remembered as "the girl who cared" or someone everyone loved. The one who put her heart into everyone. Of course, I had those dark days of wanting everyone to forget me so I could just die, so no one would notice. I wanted that sometimes. Going through depression was and is never easy. You can't just sum up how you felt during a depression in a paragraph or sentence because there's so much that goes on in your head. as this blog post goes all over the place, my question now is, how can that be a "disorder"? Sure, there are "chemical imbalances" and your hormones are all out of whack, but it's not like it's a disease in your brain. I hate that. People just label it as a "Disorder". It's how you feel! Physically and emotionally.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)