Pictures

My heart breaks every time I see a picture of that. But I feel like it's not my place to feel like that, like it's not my right. I wonder if it's the same on the other side? If so, I'm really sorry. I know, it's over, it's in the past. But why do I get that heart squeezing feeling? I feel so wrong saying that. What's wrong with me?
I'm so hypocritical for saying that because I also have pictures that might break someone else's heart.
Why am I so weary of how I act you ask? Why do I care about what others think? Because when I don't, when I put my guard down, then they seem to point out that the way I'm acting is wrong in some way, or that I'm doing something wrong. It's not bad to be conscious of the way you act and treat others, but I know there's a point where you just have to not care, let it go. I can't seem to do that.
I (usually) always think before I say something in reply, so that I don't offend, or bring down. But sometimes you just gotta let it out to someone. I can honestly say I only have 1 person I can talk to about things on my heart, because even though they know what's going on, they don't take the matters into their own hands. I can say honestly that that helps tremendously. Sometimes I just want to talk, let it out, Ask for advice. I keep a lot of things to myself. I'm tired of it.
Sometimes, I just need to stop thinking before I speak. But usually that never works out, I piss people off, or something..

After reading this over, a thought occurred. I remember before when I planned on suicide for years, I wanted to be remembered as "the girl who cared" or someone everyone loved. The one who put her heart into everyone. Of course, I had those dark days of wanting everyone to forget me so I could just die, so no one would notice. I wanted that sometimes. Going through depression was and is never easy. You can't just sum up how you felt during a depression in a paragraph or sentence because there's so much that goes on in your head. as this blog post goes all over the place, my question now is, how can that be a "disorder"? Sure, there are "chemical imbalances" and your hormones are all out of whack, but it's not like it's a disease in your brain. I hate that. People just label it as a "Disorder". It's how you feel! Physically and emotionally.