Get Off My Chest Already.

      You know that feeling? Not really loneliness.. Kind of melancholy, to an extent. I want to do something productive, anything, to get me out of the house. I feel like I'm waisting precious moments, but I feel too tired to. I'm always finding myself just sitting up against my bed thinking. I need to get out! Now. Before my mind ventures farther into these thoughts. I don't want to go back to that. I tried writing a song, playing my guitar, drawing, music... Nothing is working. My body feels like I can't move, like dead. And cold hah. I can't get warm. I'll go get some hot chocolate after... aha hopefully that works.
 I don't feel like I'm good enough for others sometimes. I know people are busy sometimes.. And I shouldn't be so self-centered, but I wish more friends would realize that I'm not okay all the time.
Oh, and criticism, that's been happening a lot lately, maybe it's always been this way, but I'm noticing it more and more. I'm a people pleaser, if someone doesn't like me it kills me inside.
I'm not a drama-queen. I'm not looking for attention.. Where is the voice of reason in this family?
I really don't know where this blog post is going, I'm trying to get this off my chest but it seems I'm en capable.  

I Remember When..

     I remember when he told me I should run away and never come back. I remember not looking for a future. I remember all those nights of lying in my bed while he screamed at me to change, not knowing that I had a knife ready for after under my pillow. I remember needing to be needed by someone. I remember lying on my bed while staring at the ceiling for hours on end. I remember so much pain and sorrow... But now...
 I remember how nervous I used to be around you. I remember crying when I found out that this could possibly work. I remember that note you gave me way before any of this. I remember looking at you from far away and wishing that I could know you. I remember putting my heart into this, scared about how it would be held. I remember driving around with you, just talking. Then looking at the stars. I remember our fist kiss. I remember that night before my surgery when you called. I remember my 16th birthday, when I started over, and you were the first to show how much you cared. I remember that walk in the rain we had. I remember having something there... In my heart. I still have it. I'll remember and love you always.. right from the start. And as this turns into a poem that rhymes so sweet. Around my head spins hearts and birds *tweet tweet*. Now tis time to get back to serious, my thoughts oh so delirious. My heart is so full, overflowing like water in a cup for you...
this is starting to fail.
but I WILL PREVAIL
OK I'm just done.
OH did I mention that I love Ryan?
And that I really... really miss him.
And can't wait to see him next :).

Not going to lie..

     Not going to lie, I'm scared of people judging me even on my own blog.
Just know, that I write on here to just get it out of my system. Not for attention. Whenever reading over something I just typed, I always think that people will judge me by what I say. I'm tired of always being aware of this. I'm just going to write from now on with no regrets.
On another note, have you ever gotten a valentine?
I haven't. Ever.
That makes me real sad. Cheesy right? I know...
Wow short blog post today. I totally forgot what I wanted to write about... I'm just really tired.

Don't know what to do...

     Let's just say it's a long story... and leave it at that.

I'm so scared... the only thing that got me to fall asleep was crying, and surprisingly hugging a stuffed animal.

I shouldn't have looked back. I can't get it out of my head! it could've been me. I can't believe that. It just blows my mind that it happened... That it might happen again without help. I can't say any more other then these..

Terrify: to fill with terror or alarm; make greatly afraid.

Fury: violent or uncontrolled anger; wild rage

Destroy: to be destructive or cause destruction

Hurt: to feel or suffer bodily or mental pain or distress

Stress: distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune. 

I honestly don't know what else to do. I showed my parents my testimony and i really didn't go as I thought it should have... After listening to what they said about it I don't feel as though my testimony is of any worth. 

It's funny how right after you feel so great, and say you won't feel like crap. Something happens to make you feel like crap. 

It's just the rain before the sunshine... Right?.. I shouldn't be so hypocritical. I can't even take my own advice. 

I don't really feel like this blog post is going anywhere. I thought that writing about it would make me feel better. It usually does, don't get me wrong, but I don't feel any better right now..

Walking on air

     Earlier today I was walking up the stairs to get to my locker at school, I realized that I I felt physically heavy. I wasn't carrying anything and wasn't really tired. I felt as though a weight was holding me down.
     Tonight I came to youth, and I worshiped God like I've never worshiped before. While praying over a friend, I spoke to God in tongues. As soon as I had let go of my friend, I immediately felt Light. Like gravity was barely holding me down. I felt physically lighter. I felt renewed, refreshed, and cleansed.
All these weeks I've felt so heavy, physically and emotionally heavy. Anything someone said to me set me off, either to be mad or angry at that person, or to feel hurt. I even know that they don't mean it. But now... nothing anyone says effects me negatively. I feel so free and light. I love you God, Thank you, thank you. Thank you!
He truly has perfect timing for his plan. Like, if God didn't do what he did at the time that he did, I wouldn't have met that friend, or Ryan. Or a lot of great people whom I love dearly.
I feel so inspired. I want to tell others of what I believe, I want to start reading my bible again. I just want this love to spread.