Heart and Mind

     Now, I'm definitely not the best writer. I'm only human, I usually can't put my feelings into words that well, but when I do, and when I do it somewhat well, is very rare. But sometimes, I actually succeed in getting the feelings onto paper.
I was in the shower, (where oddly I think the most) And I thought about feelings. Physical feelings, emotional feeling. The bunch. Get your mind out of the gutter, my nerves.

Heart and Mind
Your heart and mind can work together beautifully, or not at all together or well. What is it exactly? That feeling in your heart of love? It's an emotional feeling, but yet a physical feeling. I'm not talking about the feeling of lust, but the physical feeling of love, being in your heart. It's hard to explain.  Is it your mind making you think there's a feeling there? We all know our brain conducts everything in your body, but what I'm talking about is the thoughts and emotions in your mind. Your mind is run by the brain, the knowledge of the subject and so on. But while thinking thoughts, the heart has physical feeling. Like they say "That hit me hard in the chest".
I believe the heart does have physical feeling while while the mind is emotional. It originates from a sudden emotional trigger, such as stress, or shock, or love. This is the heart, working with the mind and brain together. For example, knowing I hurt someone emotionally makes my heart feel physically cold and heavy. For me, this causes everything in my body to not function properly, or as it usually should.
A couple years ago, it wasn't just the knowledge of knowing I hurt someone that made my heart feel cold, or like a rock in my chest. It was the absence of love in my life. I knew God loved me, but I didn't accept it due to what I was planning. Everyday my heart had the feeling of being heavy and cold. But now inside my chest, my rib cage, is warmth. Not heaviness, not bitterness, but warmth. And a somewhat steady heartbeat.
I'm so incredibly and indescribably blessed and loved. And I accept that with open arms.

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched. They must be felt with the heart." - Helen Keller

You've got that special place in my heart. The one where I can feel it. That may not sound sincere, but it's me trying to get the feelings onto paper.

Pain.

     I'm just going to write without regrets. Everything I'm feeling, without fearing of being judged by what I say on here.
Last night I went to youth, had an awesome time, and went to Boston Pizza. After eating, my rib cage and  stomach got these faint pains, Mostly in my rib cage. It grew worse and worse so I took some Advil. But it grew worse and nothing I could do would stop the pain. I was breathing really heavily. That wasn't working, like it usually does. I lied down in the booth with my head in my friends lap, moaning and screaming "Ow, it hurts it hurts". That pain was the worst pain I've ever experienced in my life. Suddenly the pain just stopped and I basically passed out. I was literally exhausted from the pain. At this time it was around 12:10am. Ashley woke me up by opening my eye and saying my name. I couldn't stop shaking, I wasn't cold, or scared. Then I asked my friend to call my boyfriend to tell him what was going on , and that I was going to the hospital. I couldn't even speak. I said I love you too back. I don't know if he heard it though.
Once my parents got there they took me to the hospital with with Ashley. I met Danielle and Travis and Valerie there. After a while they prayed over me and left. I'm so glad they came.. It meant so much to me. The entire time after they left all my parents did was argue over finances. The pain wasn't coming back so I asked to go home. I just wanted to go home and sleep. My dad left right away and yelled at me to hurry up, because I was walking to slow. He asked why and I almost screamed "I'm tired!".
I think they think I was over reacting. Because they weren't there when I was moaning and screaming. But that night they acted like I was totally fine and yeah..

A friend wipes away your tears while you lie in their lap, screaming in pain. Her love gives me hope.

My friends come to the hospital at 12 in the morning to pray over me, their love gives me hope.

My boyfriend telling me he loves me, taking the time out of his night to say that, gives me hope.

So thank you to all that prayed for me. I honestly thought I would die. Thank you for being there that night.

A nightmare I can't Forget.

     You know when you have a nightmare, but you forget it quickly because you're waking up? Or because you don't tell anyone? I recently had a very gruesome nightmare, and I couldn't forget it. It was so clear and vivid... 

I was on a street downtown, and a tiger was at the end of the road. My sister was beside me, and she screamed in a voice that was not hers "Tiger!" It came running, and when it came close to us, I couldn't move my feet. It was like my body was frozen. My sister said "It's going to kill you.." In this really low voice. It pounced, claws extended. 

As the tiger descended upon me, my throat grew thick, like a massive lump was inside me. A cold hand seeming to squeeze the voice out of me, pulling my throat down. The tiger slowly tore apart my right arm, pulling the muscles out little by little with it's massive jaw and teeth. It just ate away at my body, little by little. I couldn't move or talk. But only feel this pain. 

By writing part of it out, I'm hoping I'll forget it. 

Lord give me strength. 

Lonely

     I can't seem to get the words out of my head and onto paper. I've had a week off from school, and so far I'm just spending it alone in my room, doing school work. I'm so glad I'm not home schooled anymore, I don't think I would be able to handle going back to that. No one knows what it was like for me. Maybe they've experienced something like it or to an extent. But they truly don't understand. There's 24 hours in a day, 60 minutes per hour, 60 seconds per minute. Every second, every minute felt like hours. I watched the clock ticking, ticking. Waiting for the day to be over. I spent hours sitting in one place, just staring out a window. I never wanted to wake up in the mornings. knowing that I would just be counting the minutes and hours in the day.
My mother gave up teaching me before grade 8. I've told people it was grade 8, but I realized it was the middle of grade 7. She gave up on me because I couldn't seem to grasp what was being taught. She just got frustrated and gave up. She got frustrated.
Doing the school work I am now, I know now why I don't ask for help. Even though I need it. It's because I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't get it, and that whomever is trying to help will get frustrated and yell.. and be angry with me. 
I'm ashamed of what my marks are, I do try. I really do. Aren't home schooled kids supposed to be really smart? Like my sister? Why can't the school work just come to me, like everyone else.
I know comparing myself to others is bad, and that I shouldn't. But I can't help it sometimes.
My parents always compare me to my sister. I know they do, even though they say "Don't compare yourself to others" They do it all the time. I've heard them many times.
I honestly don't know where this blog post is going. And I'm sorry to whomever reads this, how painful this must be to read and not ask yourself  if you think I'm grabbing for attention.  I'm just, trying getting this out of me. So I can forget it and move on.