I was lucky enough to have been brought up in a two parent, Christian home. I am also christian. But I could never have a decent relationship with my parents. We’d fight constantly and the words that would come out of our mouths were hurtful. Even as a kid at like 8 we’d fight. But I would never listen, neither would they.
I was home schooled up until grade 10. I know what your thinking, sheltered child! In a way I was, but I longed to go to public school, to be around people, noise, lockers, and teachers, to get out of a cramped little room. I hated being alone, and I hated that room. I felt like it was my personal prison.
I was 13 when I wrote my first suicide letter. 13. I was convinced that the world didn’t want me to exist, and that I was just a bother to anyone and everyone. Death was constantly on my mind, and I questioned if God was even real. I had some close friends who knew, but I don’t think they really understood. In grade 9 when I was 14, my parents stressed me to get high grades, and the pressure not to disappoint myself and others was great. It started affecting my health. At that time, stomach was filled with Gall stones and ulcers; my heart was filled with hatred towards my dad. I know hate is a strong word, but I hated him. I couldn’t hug him with feeling; I didn’t even want to be in the same room as him. Every time we talked it would be to argue. Whenever I didn’t listen, he threatened to take things that meant a lot to me, away. Then he did, and expected me to like him after.
I know I didn’t love him.
Please, do not underestimate teenage depression. It’s something pills, psychology and counseling can’t fix. You need one simple thing. And that is love.
I started cutting myself at age thirteen. Like smoking, drugs or alcohol, it’s an addiction. And it sucks. It was a way of getting stress and emotion out. But you get left with scars that never leave you. Soon, you can’t stop cutting. It takes over who you are, it changes you. Like I said, it’s an addiction. I also started burning myself with chemicals and starving myself. I was not healthy what so ever.
”You do anything long enough to escape the habit of living until the escape becomes the habit.”
I hid it from a lot of people, for fear of being judged for just wanting attention. When I did show someone who was close to me, they would tell me to stop. But they didn’t understand.
I was so grateful for the friends that I had that kept me going, but sometimes I slipped up, and I cut.
I had deep thoughts like I mentioned earlier, some thoughts about the world around me, about life, death. Things emotionally just kept going down hill for me.
So, age 13 or 14 I decided on a date, a time to end everything, to end it when I turned 16. I wouldn’t have to try so hard anymore to please others, or myself. I would be gone right out of this world. I would just… give up.
From then on I didn’t try. I didn’t try to impress anyone. I didn’t think about a future, a job, college, university or children. I stopped trying so hard in school, my grades quickly dropped and my parents pressured me some more. But I didn’t care, what was the point? I wouldn’t be living long enough to go to college.
Whenever my dad asked me what I wanted to be or what universities I never had any other answers other then “I dunno”. I knew if I told them anything they would try to get me to do things I really didn’t want to do like counseling. I didn’t trust them enough either. I knew they would try to use this as a way of getting involved in my life, which was something I really didn’t want.
One night after I cut, in the little faith that I had left, I said to God, “God help me, God please help me”.
Around this time I met a really nice guy named Ryan, I didn’t know much about him but soon we exchanged numbers and we got to know each other. I don’t know why, but one night I decided to trust him with my secret of cutting, and he didn’t tell me to change like everyone else… He didn’t reject me. From that point my life started to go up hill little by little.
I know I didn’t love him.
Please, do not underestimate teenage depression. It’s something pills, psychology and counseling can’t fix. You need one simple thing. And that is love.
I started cutting myself at age thirteen. Like smoking, drugs or alcohol, it’s an addiction. And it sucks. It was a way of getting stress and emotion out. But you get left with scars that never leave you. Soon, you can’t stop cutting. It takes over who you are, it changes you. Like I said, it’s an addiction. I also started burning myself with chemicals and starving myself. I was not healthy what so ever.
”You do anything long enough to escape the habit of living until the escape becomes the habit.”
I hid it from a lot of people, for fear of being judged for just wanting attention. When I did show someone who was close to me, they would tell me to stop. But they didn’t understand.
I was so grateful for the friends that I had that kept me going, but sometimes I slipped up, and I cut.
I had deep thoughts like I mentioned earlier, some thoughts about the world around me, about life, death. Things emotionally just kept going down hill for me.
So, age 13 or 14 I decided on a date, a time to end everything, to end it when I turned 16. I wouldn’t have to try so hard anymore to please others, or myself. I would be gone right out of this world. I would just… give up.
From then on I didn’t try. I didn’t try to impress anyone. I didn’t think about a future, a job, college, university or children. I stopped trying so hard in school, my grades quickly dropped and my parents pressured me some more. But I didn’t care, what was the point? I wouldn’t be living long enough to go to college.
Whenever my dad asked me what I wanted to be or what universities I never had any other answers other then “I dunno”. I knew if I told them anything they would try to get me to do things I really didn’t want to do like counseling. I didn’t trust them enough either. I knew they would try to use this as a way of getting involved in my life, which was something I really didn’t want.
One night after I cut, in the little faith that I had left, I said to God, “God help me, God please help me”.
Around this time I met a really nice guy named Ryan, I didn’t know much about him but soon we exchanged numbers and we got to know each other. I don’t know why, but one night I decided to trust him with my secret of cutting, and he didn’t tell me to change like everyone else… He didn’t reject me. From that point my life started to go up hill little by little.
So I finally convinced my parents to let me go to high school. Grade 10 I was a proud Westwood student, walking the halls and enjoying every second of it. I just had to keep my grades to stay there.
On the night of Richter here in
He had left me after saying I couldn’t go to Richter. So with tears running down my face, I looked out my window. I was on the second story (I know it’s not that high but yeah. We don’t have a third story). And there’s concrete. I pulled up my sleeves which showed fifty eight cuts and scars, and I wrote on my arm with a big red permanent marker “Here’s your change”
I wanted to swear to make it hurtful towards whoever read it. But I thought, when you don’t need to swear to make something hurtful, it’s hurtful enough.
Tears streaming angrily down my face I opened up my window leaned out and held my breath. I was ready to let everything go, to give up. When I was just about to leg go I heard my dad coming up the stairs. I panicked, got down and of course hid my arms. My dad reached the top of the stairs, then said “Let’s go, you’re going to Richter.” So we left quickly. But he had no idea.
I had the most amazing time at Richter, and I didn’t want to leave. I worshiped like never before.
My life was slowly climbing up hill and I didn’t even realize it.
I needed love. Not the kind you get from your parents, or your friends, but love from the opposite gender, honestly. I know my friends loved me, they’re honestly my family and I wouldn’t want it any other way. But I needed to be needed by someone. God knew that.
I had the most amazing time at Richter, and I didn’t want to leave. I worshiped like never before.
My life was slowly climbing up hill and I didn’t even realize it.
I needed love. Not the kind you get from your parents, or your friends, but love from the opposite gender, honestly. I know my friends loved me, they’re honestly my family and I wouldn’t want it any other way. But I needed to be needed by someone. God knew that.
Obviously I had a huge crush on Ryan. And I didn’t think he would ever like me back because of age. But texting my best friend Jay-lee, I accidentally sent the longest text gushing about him, to him. I think I died. Yeah. THAT was embarrassing. I really didn’t want him to know…
That whole accidentally sending texts thing happened a lot after that. And not even on purpose. Honestly. That’s how stupid I can be with a phone sometimes.
But one night after youth everyone went toBoston
Fact is my dad didn’t want me dating till I was out of the house. He’s old school Pentecostal. So I never thought that anything could happen.
I wasn’t 16 yet either…
But I had already made the decision not commit suicide. My life was being changed.
That whole accidentally sending texts thing happened a lot after that. And not even on purpose. Honestly. That’s how stupid I can be with a phone sometimes.
But one night after youth everyone went to
Fact is my dad didn’t want me dating till I was out of the house. He’s old school Pentecostal. So I never thought that anything could happen.
I wasn’t 16 yet either…
But I had already made the decision not commit suicide. My life was being changed.
Well my 16th birthday rolled around and I really wanted my locker at school to be decorated. Like you see when you walk by someone’s decorated locker and you know that some one cared enough to do that. I didn’t tell anyone it was my birthday, because I wanted to know if people actually cared about it. I didn’t expect much though. But this day was special to me because I was starting my life over. I was going to start thinking about a future!
Everyone I knew said “happy birthday”! My name was in the announcements, but my locker wasn’t decorated. But after the last class of the day, I go up to my locker to see Andy trying to hold back a smile, saying “from Ryan.” I opened up the door leading to my locker and squealed. My locker was elaborately decorated. I held back tears and said thank you. I couldn’t stop smiling. So if Andy is here thanks again. It meant a lot. Not a lot of people know about the date I set, but I’m ready to share what God has done in my life to others. I’m so proud to be alive here today. I strongly believe that God answered my calls for help, by putting Ryan in my life at the time that he did, me going to high school and Richter. He did everything at the perfect time, in both our lives. He really has a plan for all of us, we just need to listen and obey him. Offer ourselves for his work.
When I wrote this, it was September and my 16th birthday was in April. I’m living life to the fullest. Because I have one!
At the end of October it will have been a year since I last cut. God is truly amazing and works in every shape and form.
I asked God for help at my weakest point… Look how he provided me with his love!
Thank you, God.
Thank you, Ryan.
Thanks to all my friends.
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