Realization

November, 12. 9:46pm

I'm at a conference called Compelled, it's great! God is moving in the audience.
But as I listen to the speaker, I have come to the awful realization that I can't fulfill one of my highest goals. In order for me to speak in tongues, I have to empty my heart of the hatred I have towards my father. I have to forgive my father for the abuse he's shown me for so long. That goes against a lot of stuff in my life. I always used to think angrily, "Once I move out I'll never have to deal with him again." or "See if I care if I won't do a father daughter dance at my wedding." my heart was so full of hate, how could I move forward in my faith with all of that? How could I be so dumb! All these weeks at youth group, trying my hardest to worship the Lord Jesus Christ. But I could never speak in tongues. This hatred to my dad, for all these years has effected me deep down in my heart. It's turned my heart into exactly the opposite of what I want. In order for me to move forward in my faith, I need to forgive him. How can I? I'm struggling to even grasp the idea of forgiving that man. For all of that.. My heart is saying no, but I want to move on from my past. I haven't cut in 13 months, I haven't burned myself for a long time and I haven't been starving myself. I've even shared my story. No wonder I can't move on. I don't know if I can forgive him. I have a great desire to speak in tongues, I've always wanted to, but when I think in my mind "Dad, I forgive you" I can't see myself doing that. The bitterness has been carved deep into my core. I guess right now unless something happens, all I can do is ask for prayer. And ask God for guidance.

Later that night, I wrote down what I would have said to my dad over the phone, then I tried to call him.. But I hung up. I couldn't do it. I was pretty angry at myself for being so weak, but I talked to some close friends about it. I'm going to watch for God. Hopefully I won't be thick-headed enough to not realize what God shows me.