Remembering

The first time I used chemicals on myself for self harm wasn't the first time I used a chemical on my skin. I was at a friends house and I was trying to wash off a tattoo design on my arm. It wouldn't come out so I saw a mr. Clean magic eraser lying on the counter. I scrubbed my skin raw with it, but then the chemicals started to really burn. My arm burned for a good 4 hours after.... I thought that maybe, just maybe I'd actually feel something inside me if I could feel on the outside.  I thought that Mr. Clean Magic eraser could "magically" erase my problems. I had stopped cutting, I thought that this was better, but it was the exact same thing. I burned myself daily, mostly on my stomach. I once got asked if I did crystal meth because of all my scabs. I Thank God that I didn't start on drugs. He had the perfect timing for me. If God didn't work in my life at the time that he did, I would've started drinking, drugs and so on. I don't remember when I started to watch my weight. I know i was pretty young. I was always a thin kid. But when I went into grade 9, I started starving myself. I was 14 years old 5"2 and 105 pounds on a good day. Grade 10 I finally got into a public high school. I still starved myself though, I met some pretty great people, they encouraged me to eat more, little by little. My body would reject it, and often I couldn't eat more and I would just throw up and try again. it really sucked, it was a big thing in my life that was hard to overcome. But now I eat like a pig and I stay physically fit by going to the gym. I think I might like to be a personal trainer. That would be so cool. 

Raging Hormones

    I don't even know how to express how I'm feeling right now, just that I shouldn't be feeling like this. My heart feels heavy, and I'm really sad. I have no idea why! I should be so happy. Tomorrow is my 6 months with my boyfriend. It actually means so much to me... It's just a day... But to me, it's the best 6 months of my entire life. Like, it's really important....
Why am I feeling so crummy? I just had a really good day... Maybe it was the LOTR suggestions... I mean, I love it... but not tomorrow...
Given the circumstances, I'm also really tired and moody (Girl moody....y'know), so this could all be just a over-reaction. It probably is.
I just feel...  ... Hurt?
I don't even know.
Oh, and lately whenever people joke around, I know they're joking... But why does it hurt? Why do I take it to heart? I shouldn't. Honestly I'm feeling so ... dumb. I hate feeling like this.
I'm Just another hormonal teenager, trying to get her feelings out to feel better.
Man. BEING A GIRL SUCKS. Now I'm angry......THE MONTHLY VISITS CAN GO DIE IN A CORNER....FRIG.
Well, I can't wait for tomorrow. :) Just me and him. It shall be grand:).
I'm leaving town on Tuesday, I'll be back on Wednesday. I want to go but I don't. Ryan is here in my town... Not in Ed...And I'm going to Ed... Like this is a chance to be around him and with him... But..
CONFLICTING LOYALTIES!!! (Social term right there)

Another positive note; My Christmas was pretty great :). Felt like the longest day ever for some reason. Ryan got me 2 plushies :) I love love love them :) My gift was pretty lame, 3 shirts and a HALO LEGO SET...laaame:). But I can't wait for tomorrow :) 6 months already! I got him a pretty sweet gift, I hope it's not too corny... I am so looking forward to tomorrow :). Wow, reading this over it's all over the place! Raging hormones right here.
I guess writing about it really does help! I feel great now!

Thinking...

     Maybe... Maybe I'm ready. Ready to tell my father....dad... about my testimony... Maybe, maybe I'm ready to forgive him. Dad... It's weird to say as I think about it. I kind of get a weird feeling in my chest when I think of calling him that...Dad... I can't do the whole hugging thing yet... I know I can't. I have no idea why I'm saying these things... forgiving him?...Breaking down those walls?... I.. I don't know. I know it'll happen in the future... But...
I found this song that I can really relate to...

Hold me somebody

Don't let me be alone

Love me, stay with me

I am dying to be known

My heart cries out

I need a Father

Whose love will never fail me

A friend like no other

Whose trusted arms will hold me

I need a Father

I am wounded 

But I tuck the pain away

Free me, heal me

I don't want to be afraid

My heart cries out

Here's my heart

Be tender, please

Let me know Your love for me

Here's my heart 

I’m on my knees

I will trust 

‘Cause I believe

You are my Father

Your love will never fail me

A friend like no other

Your trusted arms will hold me

You are my Father

 I NEED A FATHER LYRICS - STARFIELD 

 Here's my heart, I'm on my knees, I will trust, 'Cause I believe.
I think I'm going to try and trust my dad... See if something happens right after I try to forgive him. Usually I say I'm going to actually try to forgive him, but right after he does something really ridiculous... I don't want that to happen this time. I just want... To have this off my chest. I don't want a physical relationship. I know I can't yet.
I'm on my knees! Asking God for guidance. Please oh please, let this work out, without a bad outcome.
My heart cries out, I need a father. I need a father.

simply Amazing

     Last night something great happened to me, I spoke in tongues. I felt so light and free after, it was so amazing. I was just balling my eyes out listening to my friend pray over me, I said "thank you God, thank you, thank you, thank you" Then it just came out. I have no idea what I said, but I couldn't stop. It was simply amazing. I then went to a sleepover with some close friends. It was really good, I really didn't want to go home that night. So it was a great escape.

I strongly believe God has a plan for me, I know it. I just wish I knew what it was. Maybe testifying to others, listening to others. No idea. I hope to find out soon.  

Emotionally Exhausted

Hello, haven’t blogged in a while.

About a week and a half ago, I gave my old youth group my testimony. They have a new youth pastor, but when I shared my testimony at my current youth group, I didn’t get to share all of it, and it wasn’t how I wanted it to be. So I wanted to share all of it, with all the people who judged me, to get it all over with. There’s so much in that testimony that I didn’t want my dad to know. I didn’t want him to know about it either. But when I gave the pastor my testimony, he didn’t specify anything. Tonight my dad came home from work and supper saying “So you want to share your testimony?” I was so confused, my heart was beating out of my chest, I then said “What do you mean? Where did you hear that?” He said “The youth pastor just called me saying that he wanted to talk to me about it”. I had no idea what to say, I started to think. Why did he tell my dad without telling me? In my testimony it obviously said that I didn’t have a good relationship with my dad, and that he didn’t know about it. Why would he tell my dad without telling me? I felt so betrayed. This had happened to me too many times to count in my past, where I would tell someone. But people just couldn’t keep it to themselves… So for two hours my dad and I fought… He took me up to the room where I tried to commit suicide a year and a half before. He didn’t know that, but he made my sit in the spot where I used to sit just staring out the window for hours on end crying. Then he yelled, and yelled. Just like before. I felt like this was going nowhere but I was too stubborn to do anything. I hated it. But I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t bring myself to talk about anything in my testimony. See, I had planned on (in the future) telling him about my testimony. Being able to get over all the hate, but now, he knows… And it’s worse now. I hate this. I hate how stubborn I can be sometimes. I felt like no one understood. I don’t know for sure, but I don’t think they know what it was like to hate your father since you were eight… After so many years I’ve built up so many walls. You can just say “I forgive you” and think it’ll all be good. I can’t even comprehend that. I don’t even know what to say anymore.. I just hope the pastor doesn’t show my dad the testimony. I’m not ready, that’s something I need to do. Not him. Now I’m worried, because I play guitar for that church sometimes on Sundays. Now it’s just going to be awkward. Maybe he won’t even want me to play anymore… I guess I have to deal with that. I should’ve clarified in the beginning that I didn’t want my parents to know about me having a testimony. I’m so stupid sometimes…

I have to go back to homework now. Hopefully tomorrow I won’t go home. Hopefully.