Emotionally Exhausted

Hello, haven’t blogged in a while.

About a week and a half ago, I gave my old youth group my testimony. They have a new youth pastor, but when I shared my testimony at my current youth group, I didn’t get to share all of it, and it wasn’t how I wanted it to be. So I wanted to share all of it, with all the people who judged me, to get it all over with. There’s so much in that testimony that I didn’t want my dad to know. I didn’t want him to know about it either. But when I gave the pastor my testimony, he didn’t specify anything. Tonight my dad came home from work and supper saying “So you want to share your testimony?” I was so confused, my heart was beating out of my chest, I then said “What do you mean? Where did you hear that?” He said “The youth pastor just called me saying that he wanted to talk to me about it”. I had no idea what to say, I started to think. Why did he tell my dad without telling me? In my testimony it obviously said that I didn’t have a good relationship with my dad, and that he didn’t know about it. Why would he tell my dad without telling me? I felt so betrayed. This had happened to me too many times to count in my past, where I would tell someone. But people just couldn’t keep it to themselves… So for two hours my dad and I fought… He took me up to the room where I tried to commit suicide a year and a half before. He didn’t know that, but he made my sit in the spot where I used to sit just staring out the window for hours on end crying. Then he yelled, and yelled. Just like before. I felt like this was going nowhere but I was too stubborn to do anything. I hated it. But I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t bring myself to talk about anything in my testimony. See, I had planned on (in the future) telling him about my testimony. Being able to get over all the hate, but now, he knows… And it’s worse now. I hate this. I hate how stubborn I can be sometimes. I felt like no one understood. I don’t know for sure, but I don’t think they know what it was like to hate your father since you were eight… After so many years I’ve built up so many walls. You can just say “I forgive you” and think it’ll all be good. I can’t even comprehend that. I don’t even know what to say anymore.. I just hope the pastor doesn’t show my dad the testimony. I’m not ready, that’s something I need to do. Not him. Now I’m worried, because I play guitar for that church sometimes on Sundays. Now it’s just going to be awkward. Maybe he won’t even want me to play anymore… I guess I have to deal with that. I should’ve clarified in the beginning that I didn’t want my parents to know about me having a testimony. I’m so stupid sometimes…

I have to go back to homework now. Hopefully tomorrow I won’t go home. Hopefully.