Remembering

The first time I used chemicals on myself for self harm wasn't the first time I used a chemical on my skin. I was at a friends house and I was trying to wash off a tattoo design on my arm. It wouldn't come out so I saw a mr. Clean magic eraser lying on the counter. I scrubbed my skin raw with it, but then the chemicals started to really burn. My arm burned for a good 4 hours after.... I thought that maybe, just maybe I'd actually feel something inside me if I could feel on the outside.  I thought that Mr. Clean Magic eraser could "magically" erase my problems. I had stopped cutting, I thought that this was better, but it was the exact same thing. I burned myself daily, mostly on my stomach. I once got asked if I did crystal meth because of all my scabs. I Thank God that I didn't start on drugs. He had the perfect timing for me. If God didn't work in my life at the time that he did, I would've started drinking, drugs and so on. I don't remember when I started to watch my weight. I know i was pretty young. I was always a thin kid. But when I went into grade 9, I started starving myself. I was 14 years old 5"2 and 105 pounds on a good day. Grade 10 I finally got into a public high school. I still starved myself though, I met some pretty great people, they encouraged me to eat more, little by little. My body would reject it, and often I couldn't eat more and I would just throw up and try again. it really sucked, it was a big thing in my life that was hard to overcome. But now I eat like a pig and I stay physically fit by going to the gym. I think I might like to be a personal trainer. That would be so cool. 

Raging Hormones

    I don't even know how to express how I'm feeling right now, just that I shouldn't be feeling like this. My heart feels heavy, and I'm really sad. I have no idea why! I should be so happy. Tomorrow is my 6 months with my boyfriend. It actually means so much to me... It's just a day... But to me, it's the best 6 months of my entire life. Like, it's really important....
Why am I feeling so crummy? I just had a really good day... Maybe it was the LOTR suggestions... I mean, I love it... but not tomorrow...
Given the circumstances, I'm also really tired and moody (Girl moody....y'know), so this could all be just a over-reaction. It probably is.
I just feel...  ... Hurt?
I don't even know.
Oh, and lately whenever people joke around, I know they're joking... But why does it hurt? Why do I take it to heart? I shouldn't. Honestly I'm feeling so ... dumb. I hate feeling like this.
I'm Just another hormonal teenager, trying to get her feelings out to feel better.
Man. BEING A GIRL SUCKS. Now I'm angry......THE MONTHLY VISITS CAN GO DIE IN A CORNER....FRIG.
Well, I can't wait for tomorrow. :) Just me and him. It shall be grand:).
I'm leaving town on Tuesday, I'll be back on Wednesday. I want to go but I don't. Ryan is here in my town... Not in Ed...And I'm going to Ed... Like this is a chance to be around him and with him... But..
CONFLICTING LOYALTIES!!! (Social term right there)

Another positive note; My Christmas was pretty great :). Felt like the longest day ever for some reason. Ryan got me 2 plushies :) I love love love them :) My gift was pretty lame, 3 shirts and a HALO LEGO SET...laaame:). But I can't wait for tomorrow :) 6 months already! I got him a pretty sweet gift, I hope it's not too corny... I am so looking forward to tomorrow :). Wow, reading this over it's all over the place! Raging hormones right here.
I guess writing about it really does help! I feel great now!

Thinking...

     Maybe... Maybe I'm ready. Ready to tell my father....dad... about my testimony... Maybe, maybe I'm ready to forgive him. Dad... It's weird to say as I think about it. I kind of get a weird feeling in my chest when I think of calling him that...Dad... I can't do the whole hugging thing yet... I know I can't. I have no idea why I'm saying these things... forgiving him?...Breaking down those walls?... I.. I don't know. I know it'll happen in the future... But...
I found this song that I can really relate to...

Hold me somebody

Don't let me be alone

Love me, stay with me

I am dying to be known

My heart cries out

I need a Father

Whose love will never fail me

A friend like no other

Whose trusted arms will hold me

I need a Father

I am wounded 

But I tuck the pain away

Free me, heal me

I don't want to be afraid

My heart cries out

Here's my heart

Be tender, please

Let me know Your love for me

Here's my heart 

I’m on my knees

I will trust 

‘Cause I believe

You are my Father

Your love will never fail me

A friend like no other

Your trusted arms will hold me

You are my Father

 I NEED A FATHER LYRICS - STARFIELD 

 Here's my heart, I'm on my knees, I will trust, 'Cause I believe.
I think I'm going to try and trust my dad... See if something happens right after I try to forgive him. Usually I say I'm going to actually try to forgive him, but right after he does something really ridiculous... I don't want that to happen this time. I just want... To have this off my chest. I don't want a physical relationship. I know I can't yet.
I'm on my knees! Asking God for guidance. Please oh please, let this work out, without a bad outcome.
My heart cries out, I need a father. I need a father.

simply Amazing

     Last night something great happened to me, I spoke in tongues. I felt so light and free after, it was so amazing. I was just balling my eyes out listening to my friend pray over me, I said "thank you God, thank you, thank you, thank you" Then it just came out. I have no idea what I said, but I couldn't stop. It was simply amazing. I then went to a sleepover with some close friends. It was really good, I really didn't want to go home that night. So it was a great escape.

I strongly believe God has a plan for me, I know it. I just wish I knew what it was. Maybe testifying to others, listening to others. No idea. I hope to find out soon.  

Emotionally Exhausted

Hello, haven’t blogged in a while.

About a week and a half ago, I gave my old youth group my testimony. They have a new youth pastor, but when I shared my testimony at my current youth group, I didn’t get to share all of it, and it wasn’t how I wanted it to be. So I wanted to share all of it, with all the people who judged me, to get it all over with. There’s so much in that testimony that I didn’t want my dad to know. I didn’t want him to know about it either. But when I gave the pastor my testimony, he didn’t specify anything. Tonight my dad came home from work and supper saying “So you want to share your testimony?” I was so confused, my heart was beating out of my chest, I then said “What do you mean? Where did you hear that?” He said “The youth pastor just called me saying that he wanted to talk to me about it”. I had no idea what to say, I started to think. Why did he tell my dad without telling me? In my testimony it obviously said that I didn’t have a good relationship with my dad, and that he didn’t know about it. Why would he tell my dad without telling me? I felt so betrayed. This had happened to me too many times to count in my past, where I would tell someone. But people just couldn’t keep it to themselves… So for two hours my dad and I fought… He took me up to the room where I tried to commit suicide a year and a half before. He didn’t know that, but he made my sit in the spot where I used to sit just staring out the window for hours on end crying. Then he yelled, and yelled. Just like before. I felt like this was going nowhere but I was too stubborn to do anything. I hated it. But I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t bring myself to talk about anything in my testimony. See, I had planned on (in the future) telling him about my testimony. Being able to get over all the hate, but now, he knows… And it’s worse now. I hate this. I hate how stubborn I can be sometimes. I felt like no one understood. I don’t know for sure, but I don’t think they know what it was like to hate your father since you were eight… After so many years I’ve built up so many walls. You can just say “I forgive you” and think it’ll all be good. I can’t even comprehend that. I don’t even know what to say anymore.. I just hope the pastor doesn’t show my dad the testimony. I’m not ready, that’s something I need to do. Not him. Now I’m worried, because I play guitar for that church sometimes on Sundays. Now it’s just going to be awkward. Maybe he won’t even want me to play anymore… I guess I have to deal with that. I should’ve clarified in the beginning that I didn’t want my parents to know about me having a testimony. I’m so stupid sometimes…

I have to go back to homework now. Hopefully tomorrow I won’t go home. Hopefully.  

New Desires

         I haven't blogged in a while, there's a lot of stuff happening lately. I got to visit my man this past weekend, it was so great. We made brownies, which were so yummy. Oh, and I know what happened to them :P!
Recently I was thinking a lot about my future, and what I want to do in it. And it dawned on me, maybe I'm meant to lead. Maybe in my new life I'm here to start relationships, help others come to know Christ. Because that's what we're called to do. I'm not sure, I'm just thinking about these things. But it is a possibility. I really have no idea on what I want to do in my future, and it's so frustraiting! A lot of my friends know what they want to do, and they have their futures planned out and they know what to aim for. But I don't. I feel so small in this world. I wish I knew what I wanted to do.
Lately I've been having these heart problems, I'm not exactly sure what's happening with my heart, if it's serious or nothing. My heart is feels like it's beating out of my chest 24/7, I'm dizzy and tired, and there's a constant pain in my chest. I feel like throwing up sometimes, or passing out. It's been better now though. Now I'm only feeling dizzy and there's a slight pain in my chest. Maybe it's stress? I don't know. I'm terrified of needles and hospitals, so I'm too chicken to go to a hospital to get tested. I'm just hoping it's not serious... Guess I'll pray :)

Realization

November, 12. 9:46pm

I'm at a conference called Compelled, it's great! God is moving in the audience.
But as I listen to the speaker, I have come to the awful realization that I can't fulfill one of my highest goals. In order for me to speak in tongues, I have to empty my heart of the hatred I have towards my father. I have to forgive my father for the abuse he's shown me for so long. That goes against a lot of stuff in my life. I always used to think angrily, "Once I move out I'll never have to deal with him again." or "See if I care if I won't do a father daughter dance at my wedding." my heart was so full of hate, how could I move forward in my faith with all of that? How could I be so dumb! All these weeks at youth group, trying my hardest to worship the Lord Jesus Christ. But I could never speak in tongues. This hatred to my dad, for all these years has effected me deep down in my heart. It's turned my heart into exactly the opposite of what I want. In order for me to move forward in my faith, I need to forgive him. How can I? I'm struggling to even grasp the idea of forgiving that man. For all of that.. My heart is saying no, but I want to move on from my past. I haven't cut in 13 months, I haven't burned myself for a long time and I haven't been starving myself. I've even shared my story. No wonder I can't move on. I don't know if I can forgive him. I have a great desire to speak in tongues, I've always wanted to, but when I think in my mind "Dad, I forgive you" I can't see myself doing that. The bitterness has been carved deep into my core. I guess right now unless something happens, all I can do is ask for prayer. And ask God for guidance.

Later that night, I wrote down what I would have said to my dad over the phone, then I tried to call him.. But I hung up. I couldn't do it. I was pretty angry at myself for being so weak, but I talked to some close friends about it. I'm going to watch for God. Hopefully I won't be thick-headed enough to not realize what God shows me.

Remembering an old dream

   I remember a couple years ago I had this dream, I barely remember it now but I remember that I was in a wheelchair and a really tall guy would push me around. I remember that he was tall, and that he had a big head of brown curls. I also recall him leaning over by my ear to whisper something, sadly I can't remember what. But I could never remember his face. I remember telling one of my best friends the next day in church. There were all these guys I'd look at very carefully, trying to consider if that in church was the guy from the dream, or that one. I was just being silly, I didn't think too much of it at the time. But now, I remember the dream, and I'm thinking "Wow." I have a boyfriend who's tall, and had a head of brown curls. That's kind of neat :).

Reminiscing

     It's amazing how much music effects your mood. Listen to a happy up-beat song and you feel energized and happy, listen to a sad song and you feel, well, sad of course. Before, I tried to listen to music to cheer myself up. But it never seemed to work. Playing my guitar, singing, watching TV etc. Nothing worked. I'd find myself in a dark room leaning up against my bed just thinking for hours and hours.
At the moment, my mood is thrilled and sparkling. I've been listening to music and singing for the past half hour. It's great! Looking back, I'm just reminiscing on how I used to act. I'm glad music can cheer me up once again. I thought I'd never say stuff like that. I thought I'd never say stuff like "I wonder what I'll name my kids," or "I wonder if I can get into a college or university." But I am, crazy hey?

Old Journal Entry

I'm looking through my old journal. The one with my first suicide note, and I found an entry that made me smile. Keep in mind I was like 14...

May 30th
     I think I need to feel, I don't know, special? Loved? I think I would like to have a boyfriend. But no one stands out. I wish I had someone like, a guy that I could love, and be loved back. A guy that wouldn't cheat on me like every other boyfriend I've ever had. A guy that I can be all cutesy couply with. I see it all the time and I just wish I could have that... I want someone who's not afraid of love. I want someone who's tall, skinny, smart, funny, brown hair (I don't know. Don't judge me) maybe even good looking... The list goes on but I think you get the picture. All my friends say I must be patient. But really, I don't want to wait. Even though I'm so young.
Great...I just read over this and I sound so stupid. Wooww... Oh well, I guess if one doesn't come along... Then it'll be too late...


Looking back on this now, it makes me smile. I have everything I wanted and so much more. I'm so glad. God is great. He introduced me and my boyfriend, and I'm alive today. I have a future ahead of me.

Why?

        I'm just about to fall asleep and there's school in the morning. When suddenly the memory appears into my mind. The last time I cut, I was sitting in a bathroom with the door locked, with a pair of scissors. I placed the blade on my thigh, and drew a quick, deep slit. The bulbs of blood slowly gathered and trickled down my thigh...
As I lay in my bed with this memory in my mind, a pain in that thigh arose. Remembering where those scissors opened flesh. Why am I thinking of this still? It's been a little over a year since I did that. I've experienced so much happiness, joy and love. I have no reason to think these things again..
I've stopped crying now as I write this. I guess letting it out really helps after all... :)

My Story

I was lucky enough to have been brought up in a two parent, Christian home. I am also christian. But I could never have a decent relationship with my parents. We’d fight constantly and the words that would come out of our mouths were hurtful. Even as a kid at like 8 we’d fight. But I would never listen, neither would they.

I was home schooled up until grade 10. I know what your thinking, sheltered child! In a way I was, but I longed to go to public school, to be around people, noise, lockers, and teachers, to get out of a cramped little room. I hated being alone, and I hated that room. I felt like it was my personal prison.

I was 13 when I wrote my first suicide letter. 13. I was convinced that the world didn’t want me to exist, and that I was just a bother to anyone and everyone. Death was constantly on my mind, and I questioned if God was even real. I had some close friends who knew, but I don’t think they really understood. In grade 9 when I was 14, my parents stressed me to get high grades, and the pressure not to disappoint myself and others was great. It started affecting my health. At that time, stomach was filled with Gall stones and ulcers; my heart was filled with hatred towards my dad. I know hate is a strong word, but I hated him. I couldn’t hug him with feeling; I didn’t even want to be in the same room as him. Every time we talked it would be to argue. Whenever I didn’t listen, he threatened to take things that meant a lot to me, away. Then he did, and expected me to like him after.
I know I didn’t love him.
Please, do not underestimate teenage depression. It’s something pills, psychology and counseling can’t fix. You need one simple thing. And that is love.
I started cutting myself at age thirteen. Like smoking, drugs or alcohol, it’s an addiction. And it sucks. It was a way of getting stress and emotion out. But you get left with scars that never leave you. Soon, you can’t stop cutting. It takes over who you are, it changes you. Like I said, it’s an addiction. I also started burning myself with chemicals and starving myself. I was not healthy what so ever.   
”You do anything long enough to escape the habit of living until the escape becomes the habit.”
I hid it from a lot of people, for fear of being judged for just wanting attention. When I did show someone who was close to me, they would tell me to stop. But they didn’t understand.
I was so grateful for the friends that I had that kept me going, but sometimes I slipped up, and I cut.
I had deep thoughts like I mentioned earlier, some thoughts about the world around me, about life, death. Things emotionally just kept going down hill for me.
So, age 13 or 14 I decided on a date, a time to end everything, to end it when I turned 16. I wouldn’t have to try so hard anymore to please others, or myself. I would be gone right out of this world. I would just… give up.
From then on I didn’t try. I didn’t try to impress anyone. I didn’t think about a future, a job, college, university or children. I stopped trying so hard in school, my grades quickly dropped and my parents pressured me some more. But I didn’t care, what was the point? I wouldn’t be living long enough to go to college.
Whenever my dad asked me what I wanted to be or what universities I never had any other answers other then “I dunno”. I knew if I told them anything they would try to get me to do things I really didn’t want to do like counseling. I didn’t trust them enough either. I knew they would try to use this as a way of getting involved in my life, which was something I really didn’t want.
One night after I cut, in the little faith that I had left, I said to God, “God help me, God please help me”.
Around this time I met a really nice guy named Ryan, I didn’t know much about him but soon we exchanged numbers and we got to know each other. I don’t know why, but one night I decided to trust him with my secret of cutting, and he didn’t tell me to change like everyone else… He didn’t reject me. From that point my life started to go up hill little by little.

So I finally convinced my parents to let me go to high school. Grade 10 I was a proud Westwood student, walking the halls and enjoying every second of it. I just had to keep my grades to stay there.

                                                                                                                      
On the night of Richter here in Fort McMurray I was trying study the last bit of homework so that I could go to Richter. I knew Ryan would be there, so I really wanted to go. My dad and I had argued for a good 3 hours before, about how I needed to think about university and to change how I acted and my attitude. That was something he always said, to change. He would never accept the way I acted, talked, or dressed.

He had left me after saying I couldn’t go to Richter. So with tears running down my face, I looked out my window. I was on the second story (I know it’s not that high but yeah. We don’t have a third story). And there’s concrete. I pulled up my sleeves which showed fifty eight cuts and scars, and I wrote on my arm with a big red permanent marker “Here’s your change”

I wanted to swear to make it hurtful towards whoever read it. But I thought, when you don’t need to swear to make something hurtful, it’s hurtful enough.

Tears streaming angrily down my face I opened up my window leaned out and held my breath. I was ready to let everything go, to give up. When I was just about to leg go I heard my dad coming up the stairs. I panicked, got down and of course hid my arms. My dad reached the top of the stairs, then said “Let’s go, you’re going to Richter.” So we left quickly. But he had no idea.
I had the most amazing time at Richter, and I didn’t want to leave. I worshiped like never before.  
My life was slowly climbing up hill and I didn’t even realize it.
I needed love. Not the kind you get from your parents, or your friends, but love from the opposite gender, honestly. I know my friends loved me, they’re honestly my family and I wouldn’t want it any other way. But I needed to be needed by someone. God knew that.  

Obviously I had a huge crush on Ryan. And I didn’t think he would ever like me back because of age. But texting my best friend Jay-lee, I accidentally sent the longest text gushing about him, to him. I think I died. Yeah. THAT was embarrassing. I really didn’t want him to know…
That whole accidentally sending texts thing happened a lot after that. And not even on purpose. Honestly. That’s how stupid I can be with a phone sometimes.
But one night after youth everyone went to Boston pizza and I went with Ryan and had a great time. That night he told me he liked me back. I think I cried, out of happiness. That was a first for me, crying out of happiness. I was really happy. The happiest I had ever been.
Fact is my dad didn’t want me dating till I was out of the house. He’s old school Pentecostal. So I never thought that anything could happen.
I wasn’t 16 yet either…
But I had already made the decision not commit suicide. My life was being changed.

Well my 16^th birthday rolled around and I really wanted my locker at school to be decorated. Like you see when you walk by someone’s decorated locker and you know that some one cared enough to do that. I didn’t tell anyone it was my birthday, because I wanted to know if people actually cared about it. I didn’t expect much though. But this day was special to me because I was starting my life over. I was going to start thinking about a future!

Everyone I knew said “happy birthday”! My name was in the announcements, but my locker wasn’t decorated. But after the last class of the day, I go up to my locker to see Andy trying to hold back a smile, saying “from Ryan.” I opened up the door leading to my locker and squealed. My locker was elaborately decorated. I held back tears and said thank you. I couldn’t stop smiling. So if Andy is here thanks again. It meant a lot.  Not a lot of people know about the date I set, but I’m ready to share what God has done in my life to others. I’m so proud to be alive here today. I strongly believe that God answered my calls for help, by putting Ryan in my life at the time that he did, me going to high school and Richter. He did everything at the perfect time, in both our lives. He really has a plan for all of us, we just need to listen and obey him. Offer ourselves for his work.

When I wrote this, it was September and my 16^th birthday was in April. I’m living life to the fullest. Because I have one!

At the end of October it will have been a year since I last cut. God is truly amazing and works in every shape and form.

I asked God for help at my weakest point… Look how he provided me with his love!

Thank you, God.

Thank you, Ryan.

Thanks to all my friends.