Going Nowhere

I've been writing in a private journal a lot more lately. I'm pretty sure what I feel and my words would offend someone out there, so I just keep it to myself in a journal.
Something is different, I can't really name it. I think I'm becoming depressed again. Crying for absolutely no reason, sleeping way more then I should. I mean, on Friday I slept in school, at a friends house, at youth, came home early and went to bed. The next day I slept until around 3 or 4 in the evening. Then Spent the day in and out of sleep on the couch. That night I went to a sleepover, then Sunday morning I stayed home from church and slept. Every day I've been taking 3 hour naps. I eat when I'm awake, and when I eat it's a lot. But I'm so weak and tired all the time. No motivation anymore. I went to a boot camp yesterday and pushed myself too hard, which would just be a normal workout. But the rest of the day I felt so nauseated.
That's just some of the physical challenges I've been having. My mind drifts off a lot. I can't concentrate in school, I just want to sleep. I can't talk normally to anyone. I find it takes a lot of effort in replying to anyone.
I found myself wishing today that I wouldn't wake up from the nap I was having.
Things are just going slow for me right now.
I have this gnawing feeling of emptiness and loneliness. Even though I'm with friends, talking and stuff, I still feel really alone. Like I can't talk to anyone. Something's missing.
I don't even know where this post is going anymore, I don't think I did in the beginning.

A Piece of Paper in My Journal

I found this the other day while going through my old journal. I'm actually kind of glad I could express these feeling on paper. Because now I can look back at it, and know that I'm a new person. I'm different now. Of course I still do have those extremely dark days, but life, it's better. Way better.

Had a fun Friday night
singing and laughing with friends
but no one knew but me
that soon it will come to an end
On my way home
I lost it
My control
my emotion
happiness
that feeling of warmth
when he starts yelling
things come into your head
things of deep dread
now, you hold it in your hands
dis pare, fear, loneliness, sadness and of course
death
those things tell you to take
your last breath
you don't have anything left.
The, end.

I hear it from deep inside.

You weakling! You're selfish. Moronic. You're good for nothing. It's only a matter of time before you break. Why try? You're so dependent on everyone around you. If no one was around you'd be nothing. You are nothing. You're just a little girl who can't do anything on her own. Don't try. You break so easily! You bring so much frustration and anger to the ones around you. You say that's not true?! Look around you! You are selfish.


Please, this is not a cry for attention. Whoever reads this, please don't feel the need to tell me different. I'm just trying to get this out of my mind.

This constant feeling of being alone, is eating me alive. Which is selfish of me to say, I shouldn't need others around me so much. They probably think I'm a walking time bomb. The slightest push and I go over the edge. I'm sorry.
Also, the feeling of emptiness. I can't tell you why I am feeling it. It's just, there. 

Rough man.

Today was just a rough day for me, nothing really happened to me. But it's based solely on my attitude. I find  I'm distancing myself from everyone around me. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to open my mouth, I don't want to look anyone is the eye. I don't want to lift my head from the ground. When I walked home in the rain I did some thinking. Last night my body felt numb. Like it wasn't mine after a while. If I get this upset, these  weird feelings in my body, how the heck am I going to be able to survive a break up if it happens? God could have other plans. Am I so emotionally weak? Am I that Dependant on others? Right now in this perspective it's looking that way. About a month ago I prayed and prayed and prayed for 3 weeks to give me strength if that were to happen. I thought I was truly ready for it to happen, at any time. But I guess I'll just have to keep praying and pray harder. I was on my bed thinking for 2 hours, and I thought, well, I have a feeling in the near future there's going to be a true test for me in relation to if I'm ready to let it go. I'm dreading the time that day comes. Now, I'm not saying I'm expecting to break up, because that's certainly not it not at all! I really do love him! But will I be able to handle it if it happens?
Right now I have no motivation . Like before, why try? I don't care anymore. That's what goes through my head a lot lately. I tried to write a song about how I felt, but that failed.
On another note, my body is really weak, like the weakest I've felt in a really long time. I'm eating and sleeping right, I don't get what's wrong with me.
I need to pray for strength, physical and emotional. And the ability to live without being so dependent of others.
every night I pray for everyone I can think of that needs prayer, sometimes I'll take up to 25 minutes praying.
I'm trying.  

Pictures

My heart breaks every time I see a picture of that. But I feel like it's not my place to feel like that, like it's not my right. I wonder if it's the same on the other side? If so, I'm really sorry. I know, it's over, it's in the past. But why do I get that heart squeezing feeling? I feel so wrong saying that. What's wrong with me?
I'm so hypocritical for saying that because I also have pictures that might break someone else's heart.
Why am I so weary of how I act you ask? Why do I care about what others think? Because when I don't, when I put my guard down, then they seem to point out that the way I'm acting is wrong in some way, or that I'm doing something wrong. It's not bad to be conscious of the way you act and treat others, but I know there's a point where you just have to not care, let it go. I can't seem to do that.
I (usually) always think before I say something in reply, so that I don't offend, or bring down. But sometimes you just gotta let it out to someone. I can honestly say I only have 1 person I can talk to about things on my heart, because even though they know what's going on, they don't take the matters into their own hands. I can say honestly that that helps tremendously. Sometimes I just want to talk, let it out, Ask for advice. I keep a lot of things to myself. I'm tired of it.
Sometimes, I just need to stop thinking before I speak. But usually that never works out, I piss people off, or something..

After reading this over, a thought occurred. I remember before when I planned on suicide for years, I wanted to be remembered as "the girl who cared" or someone everyone loved. The one who put her heart into everyone. Of course, I had those dark days of wanting everyone to forget me so I could just die, so no one would notice. I wanted that sometimes. Going through depression was and is never easy. You can't just sum up how you felt during a depression in a paragraph or sentence because there's so much that goes on in your head. as this blog post goes all over the place, my question now is, how can that be a "disorder"? Sure, there are "chemical imbalances" and your hormones are all out of whack, but it's not like it's a disease in your brain. I hate that. People just label it as a "Disorder". It's how you feel! Physically and emotionally.

And the devil attacks...

Right when I'm at my strong point, he attacks. I'm ashamed to say that at the moment I feel like crap. I can't even say why. I really don't deserve to feel like this and I know that.
I shouldn't have to ask.. But if I don't it doesn't happen that often.. I just.. It hurts. Honestly. I can't talk to anyone about it...it sucks. Maybe I'll start keeping a journal.. So I can write everything out. No one willread it. It'll be me, being totally honest with myself.

Birthday

Today was something I'll never forget. What an amazing, uplifting experience.
Today was obviously my birthday. I got to play guitar, sing, and share my story tonight at The Escape at MGA. It was so great, people hugged me, said happy birthday, like everyone. I got chocolate and more chocolate and A guitar strap :). But after packing up my guitar I sat in the row talking to some of my friends, and everyone turned around and started singing Happy Birthday. Then they all hugged me, all at once. Interesting experience for sure! Then gave me this huge card that everyone signed and wrote something awesome. :).
I'm so blessed! Sooo blessed. It was so great to share my story, I think I've truly moved on. But if I have a bad day, or I'm feeling depressed, I'll just look at that card. So many people signed it and put positive things and thoughts in it.
I also got some free stuff at the mall for my birthday :).
I really felt the love from my friends tonight :). Thank you.

I've lived a whole year. I'm a full believer in Christ, and I strongly believe things happen for a reason. I'm here today for a reason.

Oh happy day.

Ipood

I was sinking
deeper and deeper into this vast ocean of sadness
my last breath bubbling to the surface
my body paralyzed
But the hand of God
scooped me up and brought me to the surface
You were there, listening to his instruction
you taught me to swim.
And for that, I thank you.

I hope you always find a reason to smile.

One Whole Year

So, as you may know, I'll be seventeen in ten days. To everyone else it's just another day, another birthday. But to me, it marks the day I started my life over completely. If you go to the very first post on this blog, you'll read about my whole testimony. For a long time, years really, I planned on suicide. When I was young I planned it so on my sixteenth birthday I would kill myself and just end it. But thanks to God's divine intervention, I didn't.
So in ten days, it'll be a whole year since I started my life over. It's so huge to me.
I just want to take this time to say thank you. To everyone.
On another note, A couple weeks ago I went to this girls group thing where we really connect. I talked to the group leader, I knew I would share my testimony sometime, but I didn't know when. And she said "How does April 13th sound?" I pretty much got teary eyed, and said "Danielle, Danielle that's my birthday". She had no idea it was. I think that's pretty cool. So on my birthday I'll be sharing my story to a big group of people, just like I've always wanted. I hope my story impacts someone the way my friends story impacted me!
I really hope I can be that person to change someone else's life. When I'm old and wrinkled with tons of smile lines and have lived a happy life, I want to be remembered as the person who left a positive impact on others.

Yeah :). That's what I want.

Thoughts From An Ipod

I want to be wrapped in your warm embrace,
I want to go to my safe place,
Away from all the frustration, pain and anger surrounding me.
Everyday the things we face
It all Wears down our will to keep going on,
But I know I'll have you to lean on.
We'll both have him to lean on.
We say Lord take it take it
Why are you gonna break it
How can he take it
If we won't let go
The love I have for you,
Sings of sweet symphonies,
And peaceful remedies.
I've seen what love can do to two people,
It can bring so much heartache, the prolonging feeling of hurt.
But you've shown me this whole new perspective of love.
The sincere kisses
The innocent hugs
This feeling in my heart warms my entire body.
But this warmth is nothing in comparison to when we embrace
This is starting to sound so gushy
But strangely, I love it.
I miss him so much
My heart aches to be with him
To see a smile light up his face

I wrote that on my ipod about a week ago.. I suck at writing so.. Yeah.

Heart and Mind

     Now, I'm definitely not the best writer. I'm only human, I usually can't put my feelings into words that well, but when I do, and when I do it somewhat well, is very rare. But sometimes, I actually succeed in getting the feelings onto paper.
I was in the shower, (where oddly I think the most) And I thought about feelings. Physical feelings, emotional feeling. The bunch. Get your mind out of the gutter, my nerves.

Heart and Mind
Your heart and mind can work together beautifully, or not at all together or well. What is it exactly? That feeling in your heart of love? It's an emotional feeling, but yet a physical feeling. I'm not talking about the feeling of lust, but the physical feeling of love, being in your heart. It's hard to explain.  Is it your mind making you think there's a feeling there? We all know our brain conducts everything in your body, but what I'm talking about is the thoughts and emotions in your mind. Your mind is run by the brain, the knowledge of the subject and so on. But while thinking thoughts, the heart has physical feeling. Like they say "That hit me hard in the chest".
I believe the heart does have physical feeling while while the mind is emotional. It originates from a sudden emotional trigger, such as stress, or shock, or love. This is the heart, working with the mind and brain together. For example, knowing I hurt someone emotionally makes my heart feel physically cold and heavy. For me, this causes everything in my body to not function properly, or as it usually should.
A couple years ago, it wasn't just the knowledge of knowing I hurt someone that made my heart feel cold, or like a rock in my chest. It was the absence of love in my life. I knew God loved me, but I didn't accept it due to what I was planning. Everyday my heart had the feeling of being heavy and cold. But now inside my chest, my rib cage, is warmth. Not heaviness, not bitterness, but warmth. And a somewhat steady heartbeat.
I'm so incredibly and indescribably blessed and loved. And I accept that with open arms.

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched. They must be felt with the heart." - Helen Keller

You've got that special place in my heart. The one where I can feel it. That may not sound sincere, but it's me trying to get the feelings onto paper.

Pain.

     I'm just going to write without regrets. Everything I'm feeling, without fearing of being judged by what I say on here.
Last night I went to youth, had an awesome time, and went to Boston Pizza. After eating, my rib cage and  stomach got these faint pains, Mostly in my rib cage. It grew worse and worse so I took some Advil. But it grew worse and nothing I could do would stop the pain. I was breathing really heavily. That wasn't working, like it usually does. I lied down in the booth with my head in my friends lap, moaning and screaming "Ow, it hurts it hurts". That pain was the worst pain I've ever experienced in my life. Suddenly the pain just stopped and I basically passed out. I was literally exhausted from the pain. At this time it was around 12:10am. Ashley woke me up by opening my eye and saying my name. I couldn't stop shaking, I wasn't cold, or scared. Then I asked my friend to call my boyfriend to tell him what was going on , and that I was going to the hospital. I couldn't even speak. I said I love you too back. I don't know if he heard it though.
Once my parents got there they took me to the hospital with with Ashley. I met Danielle and Travis and Valerie there. After a while they prayed over me and left. I'm so glad they came.. It meant so much to me. The entire time after they left all my parents did was argue over finances. The pain wasn't coming back so I asked to go home. I just wanted to go home and sleep. My dad left right away and yelled at me to hurry up, because I was walking to slow. He asked why and I almost screamed "I'm tired!".
I think they think I was over reacting. Because they weren't there when I was moaning and screaming. But that night they acted like I was totally fine and yeah..

A friend wipes away your tears while you lie in their lap, screaming in pain. Her love gives me hope.

My friends come to the hospital at 12 in the morning to pray over me, their love gives me hope.

My boyfriend telling me he loves me, taking the time out of his night to say that, gives me hope.

So thank you to all that prayed for me. I honestly thought I would die. Thank you for being there that night.

A nightmare I can't Forget.

     You know when you have a nightmare, but you forget it quickly because you're waking up? Or because you don't tell anyone? I recently had a very gruesome nightmare, and I couldn't forget it. It was so clear and vivid... 

I was on a street downtown, and a tiger was at the end of the road. My sister was beside me, and she screamed in a voice that was not hers "Tiger!" It came running, and when it came close to us, I couldn't move my feet. It was like my body was frozen. My sister said "It's going to kill you.." In this really low voice. It pounced, claws extended. 

As the tiger descended upon me, my throat grew thick, like a massive lump was inside me. A cold hand seeming to squeeze the voice out of me, pulling my throat down. The tiger slowly tore apart my right arm, pulling the muscles out little by little with it's massive jaw and teeth. It just ate away at my body, little by little. I couldn't move or talk. But only feel this pain. 

By writing part of it out, I'm hoping I'll forget it. 

Lord give me strength. 

Lonely

     I can't seem to get the words out of my head and onto paper. I've had a week off from school, and so far I'm just spending it alone in my room, doing school work. I'm so glad I'm not home schooled anymore, I don't think I would be able to handle going back to that. No one knows what it was like for me. Maybe they've experienced something like it or to an extent. But they truly don't understand. There's 24 hours in a day, 60 minutes per hour, 60 seconds per minute. Every second, every minute felt like hours. I watched the clock ticking, ticking. Waiting for the day to be over. I spent hours sitting in one place, just staring out a window. I never wanted to wake up in the mornings. knowing that I would just be counting the minutes and hours in the day.
My mother gave up teaching me before grade 8. I've told people it was grade 8, but I realized it was the middle of grade 7. She gave up on me because I couldn't seem to grasp what was being taught. She just got frustrated and gave up. She got frustrated.
Doing the school work I am now, I know now why I don't ask for help. Even though I need it. It's because I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't get it, and that whomever is trying to help will get frustrated and yell.. and be angry with me. 
I'm ashamed of what my marks are, I do try. I really do. Aren't home schooled kids supposed to be really smart? Like my sister? Why can't the school work just come to me, like everyone else.
I know comparing myself to others is bad, and that I shouldn't. But I can't help it sometimes.
My parents always compare me to my sister. I know they do, even though they say "Don't compare yourself to others" They do it all the time. I've heard them many times.
I honestly don't know where this blog post is going. And I'm sorry to whomever reads this, how painful this must be to read and not ask yourself  if you think I'm grabbing for attention.  I'm just, trying getting this out of me. So I can forget it and move on. 

Future

     I realize I'm young, and that children are a lot of work. But, I'm thinking about it more and more. I'm going to have children when I'm older. That thought, just.. wow. Today I worked in the nursery at church, I basically fell in love with every baby. There was this one little boy that was just a bundle of cute, it's amazing how much their little minds absorb information. He was up in my arms, so light and fragile. He played with the ring on my necklace, and I asked him "Does your finger fit?" He just looked at me for a second, then a huge smile appeared and he said sweetly "Yes". I thought that was so cute! It literally made my day.

Contributing Factors

I was thinking about why I fell into deep depression, like what were some of the things that triggered it, and I realized that the deaths of 2 relatives really impacted me more then I thought originally.
See, I was depressed to begin with, being in the house for days, in one room for eight to nine hours, only human interaction would be with my sister or mother. It really has it's tole after an extended period. I mean, can you imagine not leaving your house for days at a time? I left about twice a week at most. I felt so abandoned and alone, like no one wanted to be around me, or talk to me. Like it was too much effort to talk to me.
I remember going to newfoundland for a vacation, it was nice but I was still alone. I met new family and old, everyone was so old. Sprained a tailbone and spent my two weeks watching the weather channel because there was honestly nothing else to do. We visited my nan and pop in the old folks home, my pop was a pastor way back in the day, but he didn't even remember us.. But he remembered scripture like he was reading it straight from the bible. I thought that was pretty neat. After we went to my nan's room. She had to be separated from him because he didn't know who she was. She was so tiny on that bed.. Hair pearly white, white as snow, thinning out. Blue eyes that stared right back at you, and a sweet old face that looked like she constantly smiled. That was the last time I saw her, that summer she died.
After my nan died, I really thought about death deeply, I think that's when I really spiraled downward. At her funeral my uncle that I had met on vacation died of a heart attack. He was young. Too young, too nice. I had to find out through my cousin! I couldn't understand that.
I guess those are some factors that contributed to my depression, not necessarily the only factors, but significant enough.

So Crazy!

After talking on the phone with my boyfriend last night, it really hit me, like really truly hit me that I'm alive today. Like, I don't think people really realize it or put a lot of thought into it, but in a couple months it'll have been a year already since I was going to kill myself. A whole year! I can't believe it. Like, it's so amazing. It brings tears of joy to my eyes now, every time I think about it. The first real year of my life.  Unplanned and unknown about what would happen in it. Just going with it. It's so great.
Like, during that time of extreme depression I took these pictures, and now they might possibly help a friend in a book she's writing! I didn't even know her when I took those pictures. And also, just meeting her has changed me. She's such an inspiration, she's so strong. I'm so glad I'm alive today, I never would have even met her if God didn't change my life right at that time.
I could go on forever about Ryan, my boyfriend. I honestly... It's so amazing. He's so amazing. I love him so much. And to know that I know him, I'm in a relationship with him.. I'm here to have that.. It's so indescribable. I wonder where they would be.. I don't know. It's self-centered of me to think like this, but I wonder where they would be in life if I had never met them, not that I made all that of an impact, but not meeting me.. I don't know, I wonder a lot of things.
Hearing "I'm proud of you" was a term that was used way to much in my house at the wrong time. Hearing that from my dad would sting at times. I didn't want it, I didn't think I deserved it, he just said it all the time, trying to make a connection with me. It was just over-said. Hearing it from him still now doesn't have any affect on me, but hearing it from others... I don't know. It feels so different. Like wow, that person is proud of me? Me?
I don't even remember the last time I cut! Isn't that... it's so great. So so great. It's the feeling of being free. I can't explain it.

I can't wait to find out what will happen in my future. I hope it's amazing.

I just want to say, Thank you God. For everything. I'll praise him, not only because of how he changed my life, but just because he is God. I don't need a hardship or emotional time to praise you. You're just,  simply amazing.

Get Off My Chest Already.

      You know that feeling? Not really loneliness.. Kind of melancholy, to an extent. I want to do something productive, anything, to get me out of the house. I feel like I'm waisting precious moments, but I feel too tired to. I'm always finding myself just sitting up against my bed thinking. I need to get out! Now. Before my mind ventures farther into these thoughts. I don't want to go back to that. I tried writing a song, playing my guitar, drawing, music... Nothing is working. My body feels like I can't move, like dead. And cold hah. I can't get warm. I'll go get some hot chocolate after... aha hopefully that works.
 I don't feel like I'm good enough for others sometimes. I know people are busy sometimes.. And I shouldn't be so self-centered, but I wish more friends would realize that I'm not okay all the time.
Oh, and criticism, that's been happening a lot lately, maybe it's always been this way, but I'm noticing it more and more. I'm a people pleaser, if someone doesn't like me it kills me inside.
I'm not a drama-queen. I'm not looking for attention.. Where is the voice of reason in this family?
I really don't know where this blog post is going, I'm trying to get this off my chest but it seems I'm en capable.  

I Remember When..

     I remember when he told me I should run away and never come back. I remember not looking for a future. I remember all those nights of lying in my bed while he screamed at me to change, not knowing that I had a knife ready for after under my pillow. I remember needing to be needed by someone. I remember lying on my bed while staring at the ceiling for hours on end. I remember so much pain and sorrow... But now...
 I remember how nervous I used to be around you. I remember crying when I found out that this could possibly work. I remember that note you gave me way before any of this. I remember looking at you from far away and wishing that I could know you. I remember putting my heart into this, scared about how it would be held. I remember driving around with you, just talking. Then looking at the stars. I remember our fist kiss. I remember that night before my surgery when you called. I remember my 16th birthday, when I started over, and you were the first to show how much you cared. I remember that walk in the rain we had. I remember having something there... In my heart. I still have it. I'll remember and love you always.. right from the start. And as this turns into a poem that rhymes so sweet. Around my head spins hearts and birds *tweet tweet*. Now tis time to get back to serious, my thoughts oh so delirious. My heart is so full, overflowing like water in a cup for you...
this is starting to fail.
but I WILL PREVAIL
OK I'm just done.
OH did I mention that I love Ryan?
And that I really... really miss him.
And can't wait to see him next :).

Not going to lie..

     Not going to lie, I'm scared of people judging me even on my own blog.
Just know, that I write on here to just get it out of my system. Not for attention. Whenever reading over something I just typed, I always think that people will judge me by what I say. I'm tired of always being aware of this. I'm just going to write from now on with no regrets.
On another note, have you ever gotten a valentine?
I haven't. Ever.
That makes me real sad. Cheesy right? I know...
Wow short blog post today. I totally forgot what I wanted to write about... I'm just really tired.

Don't know what to do...

     Let's just say it's a long story... and leave it at that.

I'm so scared... the only thing that got me to fall asleep was crying, and surprisingly hugging a stuffed animal.

I shouldn't have looked back. I can't get it out of my head! it could've been me. I can't believe that. It just blows my mind that it happened... That it might happen again without help. I can't say any more other then these..

Terrify: to fill with terror or alarm; make greatly afraid.

Fury: violent or uncontrolled anger; wild rage

Destroy: to be destructive or cause destruction

Hurt: to feel or suffer bodily or mental pain or distress

Stress: distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune. 

I honestly don't know what else to do. I showed my parents my testimony and i really didn't go as I thought it should have... After listening to what they said about it I don't feel as though my testimony is of any worth. 

It's funny how right after you feel so great, and say you won't feel like crap. Something happens to make you feel like crap. 

It's just the rain before the sunshine... Right?.. I shouldn't be so hypocritical. I can't even take my own advice. 

I don't really feel like this blog post is going anywhere. I thought that writing about it would make me feel better. It usually does, don't get me wrong, but I don't feel any better right now..

Walking on air

     Earlier today I was walking up the stairs to get to my locker at school, I realized that I I felt physically heavy. I wasn't carrying anything and wasn't really tired. I felt as though a weight was holding me down.
     Tonight I came to youth, and I worshiped God like I've never worshiped before. While praying over a friend, I spoke to God in tongues. As soon as I had let go of my friend, I immediately felt Light. Like gravity was barely holding me down. I felt physically lighter. I felt renewed, refreshed, and cleansed.
All these weeks I've felt so heavy, physically and emotionally heavy. Anything someone said to me set me off, either to be mad or angry at that person, or to feel hurt. I even know that they don't mean it. But now... nothing anyone says effects me negatively. I feel so free and light. I love you God, Thank you, thank you. Thank you!
He truly has perfect timing for his plan. Like, if God didn't do what he did at the time that he did, I wouldn't have met that friend, or Ryan. Or a lot of great people whom I love dearly.
I feel so inspired. I want to tell others of what I believe, I want to start reading my bible again. I just want this love to spread.